Twisted Love
Recently, I ran across a post on Medium, an online magazine I subscribed to, entitled Why Are So Many Divorced Women So Angry? It was posted in one of the publications there, to wit: “Life is twisted Like That.” It was an interesting post, so if you haven’t read it, I recommend it. And since I haven’t posted much this year, I thought I’d use the article as a springboard for a post of my own.
What follows falls squarely under the heading of “nobody asked me, but…” Asked or not, I have a thought or three. I’d like to start with a truth most of us recognize but perhaps conveniently forget.
Our Age of Anger…
The signs are everywhere, but paying consistent attention to them only makes matters worse. But most of us recognize that perpetual anger is unhealthy, so why can’t we seem to help ourselves? Is it possibly because we live in a society that feeds outrage?
Wherever we look, there’s no missing the intricate web of regulatory “Catch-22s,” and systems apparently designed not to work. Fold in weaponized news, intellectually insulting advertising, third wave feminists, & Incels/MGTOW advocates, is it that much of a surprise that most of us are spring-loaded to the pissed-off position? So, is it really just divorced women? Is it perhaps more like everyone paying attention?
I’m old enough to remember when “anger management” became a thing. It made sense then and still does for each of us to get a grip on our individual tempers, but might we have been wiser to spend at least as much time working on the components of our society contributing to chronic frustration? I think we might have. But maybe the self-appointed thought leaders don’t want us to change. Because weaponized, directed anger is profitable. Now back to the “angry divorced woman” thing.
Capitalism and the Monetization of Marriage
We’ll probably never know who figured out that married couples (especially married couples with children) are a reliably consumptive family unit. But we shouldn’t be surprised they did. Leveraging the most basic of instincts with practicality seems like a pretty obvious step.
Monetizing marriage is the root problem, for most of us. Most of us raised in a capitalistic society are numb to that. Much more problematic are the expectations society has layered onto marriage. Sometime during the late 18th or early 19th century, we took an institution focused on procreation and passing on wealth and grafted expectations of enduring love and even lasting romance to it. Happily ever after, in other words.
Romance—Setting Ourselves Up for Disappointment?
Since then, “romance” has rendered Valentine’s Day, jewelry stores, wedding planning, Romcoms, and dating/meeting apps profitable. Let me hasten to add, I’m not opposed to romance or any of the other above-mentioned artifacts of life today.
But as we’re living longer (and in an increasingly complex world), these expectations have gotten harder to realize. And in the wake of the second and third waves of feminism, “traditional marriage”—and for increasing numbers, marriage at all—hasn’t aged well. In light of the foregoing, would it make sense to entertain a couple questions?
- Can romance play an enduring role in marriage? We seem to think it should, and marriage counselors, a plethora of podcasters and authors writing books & articles on how to keep romance alive are “wedded” to the notion. (pun intended). Whether it’s realistic or necessary is another matter.
- Does how you personally think about romance, marriage, and relationships in general dovetail with your lived reality, or does it feel out of sync with the 21st Century?
These are deeply personal questions each of us must answer for ourselves. My own take is that much of our thinking about time-honored social structures has not kept pace with the multiple, interdependent paradigm shifts we’ve experienced, post WWII.
How did we get here, anyway?
Technological advances, coupled with the second and third waves of feminism have radically altered how we meet, date, court & marry. It has also altered relationships in general in ways that seem to be making neither women nor men happy. It shares that in common with so much of our lived reality today.
Some of it has to do with the frustrations of women fed up with those mechanisms and the apparent obtuseness of men who either don’t (or won’t) see the light. At times, it feels vituperative, and however warranted, it doesn’t invite either agreement or cooperation. It’s getting increasingly difficult to avoid the conclusion that both women and men and how they see themselves are in the throes of a paradigm shift.
Collectively, women have achieved and continue to achieve new and impressive milestones, even as men seem (collectively) to be shrinking. Some have adapted while many have been unable to keep up and are either acting out—or dropping out. It’s almost as though the deterioration of solution-oriented political discourse has taken root in gender relations. Perhaps for the same reasons?
So, what now?
I began this post stating my observations fall squarely under the heading of “nobody asked me, but…” I’m expecting they will piss off both men and women.
I’ll start with men. If women find you unattractive, irrespective of reason, you have two options. Figure it out and fix it or drop out and shut up about it. None of us, (men or women) guaranteed a playmate. It’s something we earn…or not. Figure it out and get help if you need it.
For the women. I often hear how the good men are taken and all that are left are the feckless or self-satisfied asshats. As I once advised my daughter, as she recounted her dating woes…if you’re not catching what you want, use different bait or fish in different waters.
What is not helpful is public airing of our personal grievances. Whether you’re a man or a woman if you want to help the other gender, ditch the rancor and focus on what might work with you, as best you can articulate it. For same reason we expect (even if increasingly, we don’t get it) reasonable balance in journalism, the same should apply to personal essays, irrespective of where you post them.
An absence of nuance is generally a sign of either of a hidden agenda owing little to the truth, or an incomplete education. No, nuance may not get as many click throughs, but it also won’t poison the waters unnecessarily. If you recognize yourself in the foregoing, I will leave it to you to decide which applies. Irrespective of gender, we’re all capable of better. Now would be a suitable time to start.
I hadn’t considered this angle before. It’s refreshing!
Thanks, Annette. Make it a great day!
I appreciate how genuine your writing feels. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks, Preston. Make your Way be smooth.
So simple, yet so impactful. Well written!
Thanks, Reva.
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HI Katya. Thanks for reading and commenting. Come back any time.
This article was easy to follow, and informative.
Thanks.
So simple, yet so impactful. Well written!
Thanks, Marty. Make it a great day.
Great post. It really stands out both in balance and simplicity.
Thanks, Jeffrey. Make it a great day.
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Thanks, Bernice. Make it a great day!
Solid article. No fluff, just value.
Thanks, Liam. Glad you found it valuable. Make it a great day.
Hello D. I suspect there’s a Reddit thread or two devoted to a similar topic. As noted in my post, the genesis of this article is a post on Medium that appears under the same title. My post here was actually a response and an extended comment on the original post. The link appears in the text of my article here. I’m sure if you”Googled “Why are divorced women so angry,” you’ll get more links than you have time to read. Just one broken-down, baggy-eyed old guy’s take on it. Make it a great day.