Recently, an article landed in my inbox, driven as usual by the Medium algorithm. Given ,y standing interest in relationships, it was bound to land there. Especially since I have subscribed to The Career Ms. thread because I admire her thoughtful writing. So, it is a choice I made, and a choice I made willingly. She’s a great writer, so if you aren’t part of Medium, or you are but haven’t subscribed to her list, please consider doing so. She’s worth your attention.
So, her recent post, Understanding Transactional Relationships, Are You Playing, or Being Played? Showed up in my inbox, this morning, time stamped 23 hours ago. If you haven’t read it, it’s a thoughtful post I have linked to it so you can read it, if you’re a subscriber. If not, I’ll make reference to some of her points in my post here, for context. As much as I enjoyed this post, I confess it did trigger me just a bit. Let me explain.
Why Relationships at all?
Falling squarely under the heading of “nobody asked me, but…” I think most relationships are transactional—or at least have a transactional element to them. A “transaction” is: “an exchange of one thing of value for another.” “Transactional” (the adjective) involves (in Merriam Webster’s words): “an exchange or transfer of goods, services or funds.” So, a transactional relationship involves an exchange of something for something else.
In her own example, Career Ms. shared her experience: “Let me tell you about Pete. Pete was hot. The sex? Fire. Chemistry? Off the charts. I thought I had it all. But slowly, the scales tipped.”
In her own words, Career Ms. makes it clear she had expectations of what her relationship with Pete would be. And those expectations had a transactional element to them. I think that’s true of most of us. We enter into a relationship expecting it to contribute in some way to our own happiness, fulfillment, or wellbeing. Career Ms.’ own experience as she expressed it above suggests that’s precisely how her own lopsided experience started.
Said Career Ms.: “Here’s the deal, a transactional relationship is one where one person gives more, emotionally, sexually, financially, domestically, while the other simply takes.”
Her statement above assumes facts not in evidence. The power dynamic Career Ms. outlines above has morphed into something none of us should want or allow, other than by mutual consent. As such, it’s a cautionary tale we should all bear in mind. That said, there’s a thriving BDSM and D/S community in which power imbalance is the whole point. But even in these relationships, they endure only as long as both are fulfilled in them.
My Point?
Relationships are complex, nuanced and rarely will two relationships look the same. For that matter, even the same relationship will probably not remain unchanged indefinitely. They will evolve or they will die, when the “balance” tips too far, as viewed by one or more of the partners of that relationship. Most marriages—as well as relationships less formal—will often have a transactional element to them. But as Career Ms. correctly points out, they can go sideways when they get out of balance.
Most of us, I suspect, would prefer to avoid that. But how? I can only speak for myself. Pay attention to your needs/wants, even as you’re seeing to your partner’s. Do not lose yourself in his/her needs unconsciously. Be present in your relationship and in the conscious evolution of it. Anyone who thinks a relationship will never change is clearly not paying attention.
Change is the Leit Motif of life. And change, not unlike giving and taking—the transaction, if you will—isn’t the problem. It’s when we aren’t present and paying attention that it generally goes sideways. If you’re sleepwalking through your relationship, you’re not doing either of you a favor. Wake up and shape it together or expect it to wither through your inattention.
This was a very informative post. I appreciate the time you took to write it.
Thanks, Ricky. I appreciate you taking the time to read it.
Great job simplifying something so complex.
Thanks, Gene.
You made some excellent points here. Well done!
Thanks, Bobby.
What an engaging read! You kept me hooked from start to finish.
Thanks for taking the time to read and comment, Ryan. Make it a great day.
This topic is usually confusing, but you made it simple to understand.
Thanks, Christopher. Make it a great day.
This was a great reminder for me. Thanks for posting.
Thanks.
Great post! I’m going to share this with a friend.
Thanks Opal. Make it a great day!
This was incredibly useful and well written.
Thanks Toto. You’re not in Kansas, anymore. Make it a great day!
I learned something new today. Appreciate your work!
Thanks for reading and commenting, Tarisha. Glad you enjoyed. Make it a great day.
I hadn’t considered this angle before. It’s refreshing!
I’m really impressed with your writing skills as well as with the layout on your weblog. Is this a paid theme or did you modify it yourself? Either way keep up the nice quality writing, it is rare to see a nice blog like this one these days..
Thanks, Jimena. It’s my work…I use Elementor to build it. Make it a great day.
This is undoubtedly one of the best articles I’ve read on this topic! The author’s thorough knowledge and zeal for the subject are apparent in every paragraph. I’m so grateful for coming across this piece as it has enhanced my knowledge and sparked my curiosity even further. Thank you, author, for investing the time to craft such a remarkable article!
Thanks Tricia. I appreciate you taking the time to read and comment. Make it a great day.