Stay at Home Girlfriends...A Thing?
Recently, an article by Career Ms. (of whose work I’m a borderline obsessive reader) posted an article on Medium, entitled Stay-at-Home Girlfriends. Subtitle—So apparently, I’m late to this particular party.
This post lands as most of her articles do—that is to say, with evocative insights wrapped in delicious wry humor. If you’re not familiar (and you’re a subscriber), you can follow the link above and see what I mean. Okay. Enough of the whole fan-boy thing.
Her post triggered me, I confess. One of the natural side effects of breathing in and out as long as I have is an eclectic (dysfunctional?) concoction of perspectives. Perspectives delivered at random intervals by significant events, real or imagined.
This article tickled one of the nodes in my over-stimulated brain housing group. Readers of some of my other posts know what’s coming. But before I continue, this isn’t a rebuttal. It’s more of a “yes and…”
Nobody asked me, but…
I’d never heard this arrangement referred to as “Stay-at-home girlfriend.” But after a little reading, it was hard to miss the similarity to the 18th Century “kept woman” phenomenon. This realization led me to wonder if we really evolve, or if instead, we just re-name the plays in the playbook.
Career Ms. (using a friend who was critiquing the trend) outlines all the obvious pitfalls for stay-at-home girlfriends. Her friend (whom she called “Petra”) was taking the whole notion to task.
“It’s hard enough for women to be taken seriously,” Petra said, loud for the bartender to look concerned. “On top of tradwife bullshit, we now have stay-at-home girlfriends. We should call it what it is, sex for comfort. ‘I can lie on my back with my legs wide open so I don’t have to work.’”
In the interests of balance, Career Ms. countered with:
“I get why it’s appealing. I get why it feels like a middle finger to the system that failed us. But here’s the uncomfortable truth, it’s not a middle finger to the system. It’s just choosing a different master.”
Is it? I argue that choosing to be a “stay-at-home girlfriend” is less a matter of choosing a different master, than (as I suggested earlier) simply renaming the old one. But that’s not my point.
Social Sedimentation
Like sedimentary rock, society as we experience it is the result of accretion. Institutions, customs and—perhaps most importantly—our ways of thinking are layered one upon the other. They become “tribal knowledge—” something everybody just knows. The upside is stability, or the illusion thereof.
That same predictability was a comforting illusion to many, in pre-industrial, agricultural society. But as anyone with a nodding acquaintance with history knows, the Industrial Revolution put an end to the mirage.
The sweeping—and painful—changes ushered in by the Industrial Revolution transformed the economic landscape but did not stop there. Those economic and technological shifts fundamentally altered the social realities of the time.
The transition we’re experiencing today—from an industrial to a post-industrial world—is arguably at least as transformational and far more abrupt. In the third decade of the 21st Century, we are confronted with multiple concurrent paradigm shifts. Shifts that, besides being concurrent, appear to be amplifying each other’s effects—even as experimentation and reaction continue to fight for acceptance.
The Song Remains the Same...
In the face of mind-bending change, do we not often take refuge in the familiar? Even when we call the same old thing something else, old patterns re-emerge, camouflaged by slightly different circumstances. Inevitably, we repeat the same old mistakes and wonder why nothing gets better.
Occasionally, someone comes along with an innovation that sets us free from part of the ossifying effects learned from our parents. The “stay-at-home” girlfriend model is not one of them. It is an unsustainable model for most—not unlike the “kept woman” of the 18th Century. And for all the reasons Career Ms. identifies in her article. But there’s more to the story.
The Canary in the Coalmine?
It’s the same (or similar) pressures that drove 18th Century “kept women” to that arrangement that drive 21st Century women to the “stay-at-home” girlfriend lifestyle. In the 18th Century, coverture and poverty were drivers. For today’s “stay-at-home” girlfriends, it’s the shrinking opportunities of end-stage capitalism, continued patriarchal thinking, and burn-out.
As a male, I suspect many of the pressures driving the short-term popularity of the “stay-at-home” girlfriend model are also behind the 21st Century crisis of male identity. Have not end-stage capitalism and the worst effects of patriarchy disempowered both men and women?
The effects may manifest differently for men and women, but they track back to the same sources. Gender and ethnicity aside, we’re confronting the same beast. And the dysfunctional effects of both capitalism and patriarchy are rendered even more powerful by the paid-stream media and the advent of LLMs/AI.
Since the second wave of feminism, thoughtful advocates have argued that equal rights for women would be beneficial for men, as well. And not that they need my validation, but they were right then and they’re right now.
There’s no single simplistic solution, IMO. But a successful, multi-faceted solution begins with recognizing the real enemy. And it’s not women or men. It’s the sedimentary quagmire of a system that in its current form, has outlived its usefulness. It’s time for change. And looking to the traditional institutions or the advocates for them is an exercise in futility. The men and women around us—not the men and women in the capitol who are the solution.
At the risk of shameless self-promotion, I’m going to suggest readers on this platform go back to my “Dirk’s Books” page, read the book descriptions for the first two volumes of my science fiction series. Specifically, Tier Zero & Eryinath-5, The Dancer Nebula. (You don’t even have to leave the website).
There is an alternative to the unbridled capitalistic, profit maximization at the expense of all else model. The Knolans know better. They nearly destroyed their own world, following capitalism down the rabbit hole of unrestrained, unlimited growth in perpetuity.
Such a thoughtful piece! Love the balance to it. Thank you.
Hi Bart: Thanks for stopping by and taking the time to read and comment. Make it a great day!
Way different take on this one. Loved it!
Thank you, Dana. Make it a great day!
This gave me a lot to think about. Most of us women when we think of patriarchy assume it’s about us. Maybe it’s more, as you point out. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks Raina. I appreciate you taking the time to read and comment. Make it a great day.