Understanding Self and Avoiding Self-Sabotage
The Dirty Little Secret
It’s really not a secret, if we’re being honest. We all go into intimate relationships expecting something from him/her/them. Compulsive list-makers aside, we just camouflage what we’re doing in more palatable language. We call it compatibility, fit or fulfillment, but beneath those anodyne terms we want—expect—something(s) in return.
And irrespective of how convoluted or circumscribed the shorthand of “romantic” relationships get, their essential nature, whether marriage or relationships less formal has a transactional component to it. We just don’t want it to feel transactional.
Let me hasten to add, “love” is still “a thing.” But when we lose sight of the value proposition from our intended’s perspective, we set ourselves up for disappointment. No matter how long we’re together, there’s still transactional element to relationships. Put another way, irrespective of our attachment style, our attachment is always accompanied by motive.
Restless Hearts
About those motives, and the expectations accompanying them. Do we not get those motivations from somewhere? Yeah, I know. Trick question. Our relationship motives are a (sometimes) illogical miscellany of cultural expectations acquired more by osmosis than choice, parental examples, (good and bad), further colored by our own later romantic experiences. These all come together in the choices we make.
And whether we want to confront these truths or not, our “choices” are shaped if not wholly determined by experiences we remember imperfectly. They are colored by examples (good and bad) we process with our imperfect intellects and incomplete education.
Often—perhaps even usually—what we want and don’t want arrives woven together in someone to whom we’re intensely attracted. So much so that despite our awareness of the pitfalls, we charge ahead, only to find ourselves in an ambivalent attraction-avoidance loop. Even when we’re aware of the trade-offs we’re making, we may still be unable to resolve the inherent conflict constructively.
Further complicating matters is that what we want and why we want it may not align with our best interests. What could be more embarrassing than knowing our desires as revealed by our actions are out of whack with what we know (or realize only later) is best for us?
I’m reminded of Ziva David’s line in one of the NCIS episodes, in which she observes: “The heart wants what it wants.” I don’t know if the NCIS writers knew the origins of the statement when they wrote it into the episode. But the point remains, independent of its origin. Our romantic decision-making software is operating under a different set of value propositions…one even the wisest understand only imperfectly.
This conflict has always been part of the dating/mating picture since time immemorial. It’s literally as old as the caves. But beginning in the latter half of the 20th Century, runaway change and the multiple, interrelated concurrent paradigm shifts have complicated both how we connect and our ability to stay connected.
The List and the Heart
The foregoing doesn’t mean we don’t try to bring some kind of order to our thought process. Consciously or unconsciously, most of us have a list—or at least a notion of what we hope a prospective he/she will add to our lives. There are usually one of two problems with the list.
- Either the list is so comprehensive as to be unachievable, given what we ourselves bring to a potential relationship, or;
- It’s so poorly defined as to be useless as a filter. So, when attraction enters the equation, we are often blind to the red flags, assuming we’re even searching for them in the mirage of possibility.
We can usually tell how our list affects our romantic choices. If the former is our problem, we find ourselves pursuing men or women who are out of our league. We wind up continually frustrated by rejection or abandonment. If the latter is our problem, we find ourselves in an endless spiral, getting into and out of unfulfilling relationships, because our filters aren’t fine enough to actually filter.
The Shifting Balance of Power
What do we do, when we’re out of balance?
For most of our history, leadership in romance has been the province of men. Whether you take the position that leadership in romance is an atavism of patriarchal society or whether you conclude it’s a natural biological imperative that modern day feminism ignores is immaterial. Modern day feminism has given women options. They can opt for a (more or less) traditional relationship nominally led by a man, or a female-led relationship—or none at all.
Men, on the other hand, really don’t have that same flexibility. However much hyper-competent professional women might like to believe philosophically in having a competent, sensitive house-husband, that’s rarely how women choose mates. If you’d like to test this theory, (and you’re a guy), just try pursuing a woman “passively,” and, let me know how that works out…
While women aren’t attracted to passive or compliant men, few want the self-styled “Alpha male,” either. They want someone who can “share” leadership. As someone who spent 22 years in uniform, I can tell you “shared leadership” is theoretically possible but in practice? Then there are the women who say the way of the future is a “female led” relationship. I’m sure there are some who can make that work, but I suspect it’s going to be a while before it becomes a model that gains much traction.
By the same token, no man alive today (and paying attention) labors the mistaken notion that he’s “in charge” all the time. I mentioned earlier that “shared leadership” is hard. It is. But both men and women need to learn to share power, responsibility, accountability and resolution. And why is that so hard? Good question. Work with me, here.
The "Why..."
The path from where we were as a society when I was growing up to where we are now is convoluted by any metric we want to use. It’s easy to trace the path, thanks to 20-20 hindsight, but in a way, Alvin and Heidi Toffler saw the cultural displacements coming. In Toffler’s 1970 Future Shock, the underpinning premise of his book was that the rate of change was accelerating—and would soon outstrip our collective ability to process it constructively. He called this phenomenon “future shock.”
And while most of Future Shock was oriented toward the practical, everyday affects technology was having on how we lived and processed information back then, they were not insensitive to the sociological implications—as the quote below demonstrates.
“The illiterate of the 21st century will not be those who cannot read and write, but rather those who cannot learn, unlearn and re-learn.”
The Tofflers recognized that everything happens in a context. It was not lost on them how technology was influencing thought even then. They foresaw that change would create winners and losers. And while they didn’t specifically predict how these paradigm shifts might affect gender relations, I suspect neither of them would be surprised by how things have played out.
So, Where From Here?
Not that you asked, but I think the answer to the foregoing question is implicit in the last phrase in the Tofflers’ quote, above. We all need to learn, unlearn and relearn. A lot of us are going to need a lot of practice, but I think it’s worth the effort.
Men and women may not technically need each other, anymore, as I’ve heard expressed from time to time by both genders. But the frustrations I’ve also read and heard expressed by both genders suggests most of us still want each other. Maybe we could start with that recognition?
But beyond all of us acknowledging our complicated—and sometimes conflicting—goals, just meeting each other where we are and listening to each other speaking our respective truths without judgment or preconceived notions feels like (at least) a partial answer. In a time when the paradigms are shifting, maybe we can craft rewarding new paths without dishonoring our past or resisting evolution. What do you think?
D.B. Sayers is a retired Marine officer and former corporate trainer turned full-time author and artist. He currently has six titles in print and two more in draft. When not writing, he can often be found in his makeshift studio in the garage, painting. For a free sample of Dirk’s writing, get a free pdf copy of his anthology of short stories, here.
I never thought about it that way before. Makes a lot of sense. Great insight!
Thanks, Doreen. Glad you found the post interesting. Make it a great day.
I appreciate the honesty and openness in your writing. And I agree with a lot of what you’re saying.
Hi Marjorie: Thanks so much for taking the time to read and comment. Glad you enjoyed the post. Come back anytime and pick up a book or two for Christmas presents… 😉 Make it a great day.
Yikes! I hadn’t thought of it just this way until I read this post. I’ve seen women do this all the time, but I never connected the dots before. Thank you for being so generous with your knowledge.
Hi Drew: It isn’t just women, for the record. Hope that wasn’t your take away. It’s all of us. It’s not wrong until it gets lopsided. Just my opinion, of course. Thanks for taking the time to read and comment. Make it a great day.
I really enjoyed your take on this. It’s true that most of us don’t want to see the hidden agendas in relationships and I like that you don’t fall into the trap of acting all self-righteous that most of us do this. This is really thoughtful and helpful post. Keep writing!
Thanks, Alena. Glad you found it helpful. Make it a great day!
This article is a breath of fresh air! Love your take on this and the effort he has put into creating it. Thank you for a different perspective. I can see this igniting meaningful discussions!
Thanks Drake. Appreciate you taking the time to read and comment.
I agree with your point of view and found this very insightful.
Thanks, Manny. Glad you found it helpful.
So true! We really try to kind of hide the football when relationships get serious. We want to say it’s all about “love,” but even love has a practical side to it. Thanks for sharing.
Hi Norbert: Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. Make it a great day.
Fascinating take on relationship dynamics today. Not sure I buy all your points, but it’s certainly food for thought.
Hi Rueben: Thanks for taking the time to read and comment. I’m happy to have provided you with food for thought. Hope it doesn’t give you psychic indigestion. I suspect my take is palatable to many. Make it a great day.
What a helpful and well-structured post. Thanks a lot!
Thanks Marty. I appreciate you taking the time to read and comment.
It’s refreshing to find something that feels honest and genuinely useful. I had never thought of relationships this way. Not sure I agree with everything, but I appreciate the fresh perspective.
Thanks, Nadine. That’s all we can hope for today, I think. Fresh perspective that may help us make sense of what is yet to come. Make it a great day!
This post cleared up so many questions for me. Love the balance or romance and realism. Thanks for writing this.
You’re welcome, DR. Thanks for taking the time to read and comment. Make it a great day.
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Inmotion.
You’ve built a lot of trust through your consistency and this post is another illustration of why. You’ve drawn a perfect outline of the asymmetry in romantic relationships today. I’m tempted to complain it’s not fair (it isn’t) but then neither is life. So I’ll spare my breath and thank you for the clarity this article has helped me achieve.
Thanks Aaron. I’m gratified that my post helped you even a little. It’s a confusing time in which we live and nowhere is that more manifest than in the relationships between men and women. Happy New Year, by the way. Make 2026 great!
This made me rethink some of my assumptions. Really valuable post.
Thanks, TJ. That was kind of the point of the article. Thanks for taking the time to read and comment.Make it a great day.
I enjoyed your take on this subject. You sparked a couple thoughts that had never occurred to me before with this one. Keep writing!
Thanks for taking the time to read and comment, Nate. Make it a great day!
My brother suggested I might like this web site. He was totally right. This post actually made my day. You’re so right about why we go into relationships, even if we won’t admit it to ourselves. Thanks!
You’re welcome Daniya. Thanks for stopping by and taking the time to read.