Why aren't they approaching?
If men have really stopped approaching, why?
In her February 13, 2026 post on Medium, Ms. Edith Tali grappled with the question of why men have stopped pursuing women. It’s an interesting question and I applaud her willingness to tackle it. Whether you agree men aren’t approaching anymore or not is open to debate.
Briefly, her thesis was that men aren’t approaching anymore and it’s because men went “all in” with their first love and got burned. Or that women are too demanding, too materialistic. Women, she opined, keep back-up options and dating, never mind marriage is exhausting. I submit none of the foregoing is new. Now do some of these factors enter into men’s reluctance to pursue, today? Probably.
So, I’m sure some of the reasons Ms. Tali advances in her post are accurate. A few commenters on her post validate her points. So what follows is less a critique of her post and more of an expansion on it. There are, in my opinion, a couple additional factors worth considering.
Everything Happens in a Context…
Setting aside whether it’s healthy, most of us spend a significant portion of our lives online these days. It’s not hard to figure out why. With gas $5.00 a gallon in some places and Vanilla Lattes at chain coffee shops running north of $6.00, even coffee dates and/or just “hanging out” gets pricy. And with craft beer at microbreweries as much as $10.00, collectively men don’t prowl as much as we used to. For that and other reasons we’ll discuss shortly, concerted efforts to meet “in the wild” is can prove expensive.
Additionally, the low stress, high contact social environments where men and women used to connect “back when,” are less common (or less popular) than when I grew up. Explaining the popularity of “online dating apps,” despite the daunting and profoundly frustrating odds.
Pursuit in Cyberspace
So. Let’s talk about men’s experience online. You don’t have to read too many posts by women here on Medium or any forum frequented by women, to know that a lot of them aren’t happy with men in general. Some have even expressed they’d rather men didn’t even approach, never mind pursue.
Is that a majority opinion? Maybe not. But the online recommendation algorithms don’t care about majorities or nuance. Click on one provocatively titled article or post and you will get more. The algorithms are interested in “clicks” and views, not truth or balance.
So…who clicks on articles written by women about men’s flaws? (1) Women who feel they’ve been wronged; (2) men interested in understanding women’s struggles today; and (3) misogynists reading to have their worst attitudes about women confirmed…and often to comment.
Now, about those comments…
So…let’s reflect on who’s most likely to read and respond to articles whose theme is men’s flaws. Would it be women who agree and are inclined to add their own experiences? That’s one group. And next most likely are the men inclined to argue with them for the hell of it. That’s another likely group. And finally, there are those men reading to understand. Some, triggered by what they read, want to introduce what seems like balance to them.
So, the comment stream looks like this. The women commenting are usually adding “me too” examples of their own. The men reading to argue, do just that—thereby reinforcing women’s worst opinions of men. The men reading to understand may offer counter points in the name of intellectual balance as they see it. Often, they get shut down with words that go something like: “…don’t give me that ‘not all men line.” Some men are unphased, but others conclude women really do hate men and stop trying.
How many men—perhaps even some of the ones women most want to meet—have stopped pursuing because of what they read online? How many more have stopped trying because they don’t want to be “that guy?” I don’t know, but it’s not zero.
Loving Out Loud in the Age of Uncertainty
None of the foregoing argues convincingly against men approaching women…respectfully. And as someone who has dated during all but the first wave of feminism, I assure you men still approach and succeed. But there are differences today that (I suspect) are inhibiting men’s approach behavior.
In the second wave of feminism, women were fighting for the “right” to own their sexuality. In fighting for that right, they were less subtle about it and were (on balance) more receptive to being approached. Which doesn’t mean men didn’t get rejected. But it felt softer, then. “Me too” hadn’t happened, yet.
It’s different today. Have approach signals gotten more subtle than they used to be? I don’t know. Maybe they always were. Maybe some women send conflicting vibes that keep men from trying. As a result, there’s now a cottage industry on YouTube purporting to help men decipher women’s approach signals. Maybe that will help.
Nobody asked me, but…
But I have another idea. For women still interested in being approached, you can invite approach (selectively if you wish) by being less subtle. You don’t have to throw yourself at them. Dress to be noticed, make eye contact and hold it a couple extra beats. Maybe smile? It worked “back then…”
In the third decade of the 21st Century, isn’t it time we could all live/love out loud, rather than defensively? Now for those of you who really don’t want men approaching, by all means, keep writing about all men’s shortcomings online—and if you must venture out, keep those ear buds in and eyes on your smart phones.
Terrific post. I hadn’t thought of some of this.
Thanks, Dee Dee. Make it a great day.
Oh my God I do some of the stuff you mention at the end all the time. Good article!
Hi Tisha. Thanks for stopping by and taking the time to read and comment. And I can believe you do some of the things I mention in the post. We ALL do, perhaps explaining part of the problem. Make it a great day.