There is a default assumption with which we have grown up about romance and love. We have been educated (most of us) to believe that there’s one perfect fit for us and that, when we find it, that’s it. Even if it doesn’t work perfectly, we’re obliged to stick with each other and be “faithful” to each other, no matter what. She (or he) is “ours.” And even if we don’t actually see them as property in the traditional sense of the word, in many respects, we tend to behave as though they were.
Monogamy, Monogamish and Ethical Non-monogamy
Falling squarely under the heading of “nobody asked me but…” the notion that any two people can be all things to each other over the course of an entire lifetime of change borders on hopelessly naïve. Especially in our age of multiple, concurrent, interdependent paradigm shifts and in which most of us can expect to live three quarters of a century.
This is not to suggest happily ever after never happens. It does. But it is statistically rare. What’s more, the myth of faithfulness and monogamy is one of more recent construction. As a recent post on Medium, an online magazine to which I subscribe (and sometimes contribute) makes that point. Monogamy hasn’t always been the expectation, never mind the actual practice.
Anthropologists generally agree that humans, in common with most mammals, are not naturally monogamous. Disagreement over when and why monogamy became a practice is less unanimous. One theory suggests that monogamy emerged when we transitioned from hunter-gatherer nomadic tribes to fixed agricultural communities. A second theory suggests it goes further back, because monogamy had built-in survival advantages both for women and the offspring. Yet a third theory speculated that less competitive men began offering food to women for sexual favors and protection.
Irrespective of which theory seems most probable to you, it’s not hard to see how the changes of the last fifty years or so have eroded to some degree the practical efficacy of long-term pair bonding, other than (arguably) for raising children. I say arguably, because divorce rates today, even though they’ve been declining recently, still point out that remaining with one other human throughout a long adult life has less appeal than it might have a hundred years ago. A recent article relying on a 2023 study revealed that 43% of all first-time marriages end in divorce, while 63% of second and 73%of all third and subsequent marriages do.
This is not necessarily an indictment of permanent pair-bonding so much as it is of either our current lived reality or the readiness (in statistical aggregate) of most of us for that level and duration of commitment. In the end, if monogamy works for both of you, by all means. Have at it.
Romance and New Relationship Energy (NRG)
There is an alternative, however. Most of us recall that incredible rush of meeting for the first time, flirting and playing with the energy that accompanies most uncertainties. It’s exciting. And in a world where we’re both living longer (most of us) and there are fewer real risks without actively going out to seek them, the intense emotional rush of the chase is a way to step out of the mundane. Does everyone want that? No.
But if you’re one of those that does, there are fewer barriers to indulging those desires. The key to any form of ethical non-monogamy is dealing with jealousy buried in our subconscious and reinforced by our cultural norms. Our intimate partners are not chattels, and monogamy invites us to treat them that way and actually encourages us to take the other for granted or (at least) as being “ours.”
Eventually, most of us are going to recognize it that love isn’t a zero-sum experience and that, far from being a matter of possession, it is a matter of giving what the other(s) need as they give back with a generosity of heart and spirit so often lacking today. That can take a lot of different forms, but in the end, all of us who hope to help another experience fulfillment need to somehow cohere our actions to their wants and needs. Sometimes that may be monogamy. Sometimes it’s ethical non-monogamy, structured cooperatively by all those concerned. Both approaches to bonding are valid and no one needs to apologize for how they go through life as long as they are honest and do not treat others as merely a means to an end. Just one guy’s take on it. Make it a great day!
