It's A Fine Line
Recently, I ran across an article here on Medium, published in “Hello, Love.” It showed up in my feed a couple days ago and the post’s title coaxed me to click through. The post was entitled; Women Who Know How to “Take” Are the Ones Men Can’t Get Enough of. I clicked through to read it, because I happen to agree with the thinking that underpins the title.
The thinking implicit in the title aligns almost perfectly with a statement I put in an online dating profile in which I expressed what I sought in a woman. Among other things, I sought: “…a woman who gives freely and receives with grace.” My default belief then and now was that any durable relationship thrives (or not) to the extent both parties are willing to give.
Nobody asked me, but...
The foregoing notwithstanding, I still found myself taking exception to portions of the post. When a woman falls in love, (the post tells us), she wants him to be “…devoted to her, to be obsessed with her.” I’m aligned with devotion, provided it doesn’t lead to an unrealistic idealization of the object of that devotion. If you’ve ever tried to live up to an idealized version of yourself, you know what I mean. If you haven’t tried it and see how you like it. My guess is, you are no more interested in being held to that standard that I would be.
My own (admittedly imperfect) experience with women suggests that most healthy women aren’t really interested in men obsessing over her. This appears to be especially true in the growing stages of a relationship. You want to drive a woman away in hurry, guys? Try obsessing over her. Works pretty much every time. To be fair to the author, she did specify “when a woman falls in love…” That said, I struggle with the notion that an obsessive relationship is likely to be a healthy one over the long pull.
Relationships often don’t “balance” in the short run. And men and women who truly love, don’t spend much time keeping score. Certainly not on a day-to-day basis. Both men and women who truly love often give more than the receive, when he or she whom they love truly needs that. But to be enduring and healthy, most relationships need to balance over the long pull.
Love and Mental Health
Healthy men and women who value themselves will eventually leave a one-way relationship, for no more complicated reason than their needs aren’t being met. The equation is simple. You can’t give what you don’t have and an obsessive mindset, in my opinion, will rarely balance. It gives until it’s bankrupt, then disillusionment sets in, eventually breaking the relationship.
To build a sustainable, healthy relationship both parties must over time give enough of what their partner wants and needs, making the relationship fulfilling as they define it. To be fair to the author, it’s quite possible she didn’t truly mean that woman wants a man to obsess over her, but rather to prioritize her as first or nearly first, when both parties know they’re in a loving relationship.
That makes perfect sense, assuming that’s what she meant. We all want to feel like we matter if not most to the ones we love, certainly a top priority. If you’ve ever been in a relationship where you didn’t feel your partner valued you above nearly everything else, you’re familiar with how it tends to erode your self-esteem. It’s true of both genders though I suspect there may be different underpinning psychological differences for men and women.
In the final analysis, however, a woman who takes with grace gives back as well and does not inspire an obsession. Striking a balance, however, between giving freely and receiving with grace in return? I’m all the way in.
